The Urban Legend of the Dog Eating Peanut Butter Off Her Vag

Wow! That's all I really can muster right now. Fucking WOW! I've just woken up from a crazy ass dream that included chocolate dildos, banana condoms, and peanut butter-flavored lube. Intense and weird. The only other thing I can remember is the ground beneath my feet falling away. It was like that special effect in The Matrix when Neo's getting trained in the white room. Do you remember that? He was standing in that empty space and then shelves of guns fell like water from somewhere above and appeared as solid, concrete objects around him. This was that in reverse. Only it wasn't guns and it wasn't a white room.

I was on stage at the DNA lounge ready to perform, floating dildos all around me when the black stage fell away. It was like it turned into a millions of tiny squares and each square fell into a void somewhere below me. I twas suspended there momentarily and looked down. The void was a rolling sea of red dots. As I finally made out the dots, I started falling.

I woke up to something crashing panicked. My bed was drenched, almost as if I pissed myself, and the covers were thrown all over the floor. I got up, went to my desk, and started writing all of this down fearing I'd forget it in the morning. Well...I guess it is morning technically. It is 4am, but you know what I mean.

I haven't checked out what broke. I probably should. Be right back.

I'm back. Isn't it weird how time passes so differently in writing. It took me about nine minutes to finally find what was broken, ad only one sentence to convey that. Totally a random and unrelated topic, but it does seem like life is only a dream once it's on paper.

It was a red shot glass I left sitting on the edge of the sink in the bathroom. I didn't think to look their because the sound was shattering glass, and I don't remember putting the shot glass in the bathroom. I must've taken another shot of tequila when I got home last night from our gig at The Eagle. Here is the really bizarre thing: all of the shattered glass pieces were in perfect circles. There were hundreds of them all over the floor, under the tub, in the tube, on top of the toilet seat. The entire blue bathroom was speckled with red glass dots. I feel as if my dream exploded in my bathroom.

I'm really unnerved. I hate the way shattered glass reverberates through your bones. It always reminds me of the time I broke a bottle of mineral water when I was a kid. When it hit the concrete, it burst. A small sliver found its way to the artery right beneath the knee cap and nicked it. Blood started flowing and soon my entire right leg was painted blood red and a large pool formed beneath my feet. I screams so loudly (I fucking HATE blood) my mom rushed out all panicked. She lost her balance as she ran into the garage slipping on all of the blood and sliced her hand wide open as she tried to grab the edge of the steel work bench. Blood poured from her hand and mixed with the quickly growing puddle on the floor. Luckily, our nurse neighbor was home, heard the ruckus, and came over. A couple of stitches later and both my mom and I were fine.

The image of the giant puddle of blood, the one I had to clean up after we got back from the emergency room, is the image that rushes to my mind whenever glass breaks. The glass dots look like a thousand droplets of blood covering the entire bathroom. I don't want to clean it up. In fact, I'm going to ignore it and go back to sleep.

The copious amount of tequila I shot last night is finally catching up with me. My head is beginning to pound. Four Advil, a tall glass of cold water, and sleep is what I need. I can clean it up tomorrow.

p.s. I had to sleep on the couch because my bed was just too wet. I had another weird ream. Do you remember that dumb urban legend when we were kids about the woman who was caught being eaten out by her dog? In it, she calls in sick to work which sets off alarm bells for some reason at work. Her boss gets worried about her and decides to check things out. He heads to her home only to find the front door unlocked. He enters and doesn't see her, so he heads to her bedroom to see if she is sleeping. He is mortified when he gets to her bedroom and see a jar of peanut butter next to her bed and her dog licking something off her vag, a look of ecstasy on her face. Well...that was my weird dream. Only I had it twice. The first time I was the boss. The second  time I was the dog. I can't get the taste of peanut butter off my tongue.

And...I did clean up the bathroom. It took almost an hour to get all the glass picked up. I kept all the pieces.


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